Thursday, November 1, 2007

About love (again)

Do you think I have a theory? Do you
think I'm saying what deterioration is? What I do is to describe different
things called deterioration.
Wittgenstein, LC, I.33

I loved you,
I really did.
But you know,
it’s time to say

How many times
did you say good-bye?

I am not surprised

You didn’t love me.
Did you do anything
to keep me? No,
nothing. Yet
I will never
forget you.

I am sure
that you will never stop
thinking of me.
You can't.
You don’t believe
what you say,
you just say it.
But it’s the truth.
You will never be able
to put me behind you.
I loved you.
But I don’t know
what happened,
it’s gone.
You know that
I loved you,
don’t you?
But it’s gone
There is no
anymore. No
God knows how
it happened.

You tried to put me
behind you so many
times. I always accepted
it. I accepted
to lose you,
you know it.
You were the one
who always wanted
to come back.
You couldn't
live without me.
You said it.
I remember.

You say that.
You didn’t really accept it.
You wanted to own me.
I was your thing.

As I said,
you are the one who always
asked to return home.
I didn’t call you, did I?
You didn’t allow me
to live without you.
That's how it happened.

You didn’t love me.
But you could not accept
that you were losing me
because of another man.

It’s not true.
I accepted to lose you.
I was fed up
with your childish behavior.
I started to reorganize my life
immediately. It was painful
in some way, but I did it.

I don’t believe you.
You wanted me back.
Say that it’s true.
That’s how you are,
you men. You cannot
accept losing a woman
to another man.
Is that love? It’s not love.

As soon as you did understand
that I had accepted to lose you,
you would come back.
It happened at least twice.

How could I know
that I didn’t love
the other man
before I did understand
that I didn’t?

You left,
then quite soon
you discovered that I
in fact was the man you loved.

Is it so surprising
that we sometimes believe
we love someone and then
soon we discover
that we don’t?
Or vice versa?

Or vice versa? How nice.
You asked me
if I accepted you back
and I said yes.
But I was upset
with you, remember?
Little by little
you destroyed
our relationship.
With your stupid

You see,
you didn’t love me.
You accepted twice
to lose me. I loved
you. I came back.
But again
you were not interested
in loving me.

You wanted to stop
loving me. You wanted it
desperately. I could feel it.
I was tired of living with someone
who wanted to stop loving me.

You never loved me
as much as I loved you.
Admit it. You told me that.
You asked me to leave your
home. Remember? You told me
that it would be better for me to share
an apartment with a Danish girl
from my school.

I said it, it’s true.
But I didn’t really mean it.
We never discussed it.

I started to look for
an apartment. You
wanted me to go away.
Yes, that’s what I said
one night. For some reason
I was mad at you. But I never
thought about living without you.
Yes you did, I am sure
you did. You left me
at home alone several times,
you had dinner in expensive
restaurants with other women.
You pretended that it was work
but I know that it was not.
I was very sad.

You were the one
who wanted to abandon me.
You are the one who said
that you loved someone else.
Then you started to lie
to me. I said I wanted
you to go away.
But you were the
one who wanted to leave.

Maybe I loved someone else.
That’s what I said: maybe.
Anyway, you didn’t love me.
Did you care when I started
to date the other man? You
didn’t care when I started
to go out with another man.

You were lost
in your boring life,
then you met me.
I don’t think I believed
you could so easily stop
loving me and leave me
for another man.
We had been together
for two years. We were
friends. You don’t believe
that someone who has been
living with you for two years
can so easily run away.
It doesn’t make sense.
Not at my eyes.
You betrayed me.

You told me
that I was boring.
You wanted to get rid
of me.

Maybe I didn’t know
what I was saying.
But you had already found
another man, true? The stupid
romance was already going on in
your head when I said that it was
better for you to go live with the Danish girl.

You admit that you said it.
Not just once,
but several times.You
recognize that you said it.

Maybe I knew
that it was what
you wanted.

No, you didn’t.

You were behaving

No, I wasn’t.
You didn’t have the patience
to listen to me. You didn’t have
the time. We were having breakfast
or dinner and you would tell me to
shut up. I was interrupting
the flow of your thoughts.
I was always interrupting
the flow of something
in your life.

Before you met that man,
you had accused me of loving my
ex-wife. You wrote me a letter
saying that you were sure I was
doing my best to get her back.
You were jealous and insane.

Never mind.
It’s too late now, isn’t it?
I’m leaving you forever.
This time it’s true.
Didn’t you tell me again
how boring I am? Didn’t
you tell me that you would
be happy after getting rid of me?

I’m sorry. I was upset.

This time
you will get rid of me.
No need to get mad

I’m sorry.
I don’t know how it happened.
You were sick all the time,

I remember, yes.
How could I not remember?

How many times
did I have to take you
to the hospital? Sometimes,
most of the time, I was sleeping.
Then you would awake me, you were
so afraid. You behaved like a child.
You couldn’t breath, remember?
Then you would put your head
on my chest and I could see
your dark eyes, the dark
eyes of a child. I loved you.

To live with you
made my life difficult.
You never wanted
to understand that.

You were sick
when I first met you.

Not in the same way.
And then I met you
and I got better.

For a while
you got better.
Then again
you were sick.
Afraid of being sick.

I was not strong enough
maybe. There was too
much tension. I couldn’t
tell my parents about you.
My mother would die.
She is younger than you.

She is? I am not so sure.
You want to be like her.
You may hate her,
but you cannot think about
being a different woman.
The sickness is in your psyche.
You believe that because
you are going to live
with another man
you will be cured.
But the sickness is in your
character. The sickness is
in your mind. You cannot
get rid of it that way.


I tried to make you
understand who you are.
You never wanted to
become a real person.
You should stop
lying to yourself.
You should try to understand
why you behave
the way you do.
You are odd.

Never mind. At least
you will not have to worry
about me anymore.

I will always worry
about you. You know
that. You don't want
to look at reality, you
are living in an dream.
You think you are a
character in a novel.
A bad novel, I tell you.

You need to believe it maybe,
that you will always love me.
But we lived together many
years and you couldn’t show
me your love, how much you
loved me. You couldn’t.
That’s the truth, isn’t it?
I was real and you
couldn't see me. You were
spending all your time
in front of your
fucking computer.

Was I? And why the hell was
I doing it? You don’t know.
You are not an easy person.
Maybe I need to believe
that loving you is something
I cannot get rid of. Something
I don’t want to get rid of. Something
that will never end.

And yet
it is not true.
You are tired
of me.
I am boring.
You don't care
about me. I am not
an interesting person
at your eyes. I saw you
talking to other women in
a way that you never
talked to me. It's sad.
It was depressing.

Depressing? Do you
want to know something
about my own depression?
You know what? Maybe
it’s impossible to love you.

To love me?
Do you really believe
what you are saying?

Yes. Impossible to love you.
You don’t want to be loved.
That’s why you get sick.
That’s why you can’t breath.

No. It’s not true.
How do you know?
Stop saying that
I am no good.

That’s why you are afraid
that your heart is going to stop
suddenly. You fear love as if
love was a sickness.

No, it’s not true.
You are tired of me,
you don’t love me,
you can’t love me
and it’s not your fault.

That’s why you cannot
get rid of your sickness.
You do not accept to be
loved, you are afraid
of love.

Now we will go separate
roads, you and me.
Finally. And you
don’t need to worry
about me anymore.

Man –
I will worry about you.
You know it, don’t you?
Whatever I say,
whatever you did or will do
to me, I will always worry
about you. You are a child.
A lonely child.


You wanted it
as much as myself.
That we go separate
roads. Say that it’s true.
It didn’t work between us.
Yes, I did want it.
And you know why?
Because anyway you had
already left. You were already
far away. You have always been
far away, it was impossible
to reach you.

Maybe it‘s not true.

You left me
longtime ago.

Maybe you are wrong.
How do you know?

You left me so longtime ago.
It was impossible to reach you.

You like to tell stories.
You need to find an explanation
for everything. Maybe not everything
can be explained so easily. You cannot
know everything.

Maybe not. You are right.
Not everything is what it seems,
not everything happened
as we think it did.

Maybe I never left you.
Maybe I never wanted
to get rid of you.

I can’t believe you.
I’m sorry
but I can’t.

Maybe I’m still with you.
You love to tell stories.

It could be as you say.
Maybe you are still with me.
But I don’t believe you.
You are lying to yourself.
You left me longtime ago.
You never came back.

You got tired of me.

I tried to love you.
But there was nothing I could do.
You don’t want to be loved.
You think you do
but you don't.

You said so many times
that I was boring. Didn't you?
You never paid attention
to what I was saying.

There was not much
I could do about it.
I got tired of loving you.
I couldn’t reach you.

I also got tired of you.
You also left me.

You never believed
that I could love you.
You never believed that love
between you and me
was something that could last.
You wanted to get rid of love.
You got rid of love.
What did you get instead?

You are wrong. I believe
in love. You know how much
I believe in love.

You learned how to deceive
people when you were a child.
You do everything people expect you
to do just to make people believe
that you love them. But you don’t.
You just learned
how to be left alone.

It’s not true at all.
I care about people.
I want to be loved.

You don’t believe in love.
Maybe you want some love
from time to time. You get it
and then you leave.
How can you say
such a stupid thing?

You have been living alone
in your small world. A very
private world. You never trusted
anybody and you still don’t.
At least in your small world
you feel protected, you feel
safe. Whatever it is to be
safe and protected.

I don’t know. I don’t know
and you don’t know either.
But you like to tell stories.
And you want me to believe
that you are telling the truth
and explaining everything.
You are so condescending.

We all live in a small world.
In a small box.
It could be.
Confined in the walls
of our own private prison.

You want to believe that I am
out of the ordinary, that I am
different from other people.
Then you invent stories about me.
That’s a way of making me worth
your love. It’s nice.

Maybe it’s exactly
as you say.
Who knows?

In your stories I am
a problematic character.
You see me as someone
who has interesting problems
to solve. Maybe it’s you
the one who has a lot
of serious problems to solve.

Maybe. It may
well be
as you say.

I’m tired of talking to you.
We get nowhere and you know it.
We are wasting our time.
I have to leave now.
I know that you
don’t have any
envy of seeing me
again. You are
going to hate me.

Maybe not.

You wanted to possess my soul.
It’s impossible. You know it,
don’t you?

Yes, I know it.

(Caderno Azul)