Everything that happens in my life at this point is the consequence of hallucination. I am the one who identifies some people as being different from other people and from trees, as it were. And I am the one who characterizes those bizarre beings resembling people with human qualities: a body, forms, colors, movement, even feelings and intentions. If I hadn’t invented these ghosts and started to pay attention to them as if they were real and behaved as caring and beautiful human beings behave from time to time I would be left alone in a nightmare. As everybody else I need to love and to be loved, what is not so difficult to understand. Loving ghosts is not the worst solution for the misery of life.
I am aware of my life’s unreality. But would you consider me more reasonable if I said that I am God or Napoléon or the King of Spain - and behaved accordingly? You wouldn’t listen to me either way and you would immediately try to send me to everybody knows where. I prefer to stay here for the moment. I am in good company anyway.
Being aware that I am living in a state of hallucination saves me from ordinary madness. To say that I enjoy it would be an exaggeration. I don’t think I really do. But let me tell you one thing: deprived of unreality, life is unbearable.
Love in particular is the most frequent type of hallucination. And I am not talking just about myself right now. I am just saying what I cannot avoid stating: my resolutely accepted and in some way enjoyed hallucination of some moments is not very different from other forms of hallucination that in the past characterized my most natural behavior and which is the very normal condition of many people. It keeps me (and them too, I guess) entertained. The big difference for me is that now I am totally aware of my feverish game and do not expect ghosts to behave like a woman in love, for example, would behave.
I observe the ghosts from the distance aware of the hallucination. The secret hope that my hallucination is not a hallucination but a correct understanding of reality never completely leaves me however. That’s why I wouldn’t be surprised if the ghost started suddenly talking to me, started kissing me or just placed her hands on my shoulder with some sort of devotion and tenderness.
And learn this too: ghosts tend to enjoy their own form of unreality (they even happen to smile at you from the distance) and to force them to join you in real life is something exceeding my talent, my will maybe, my reserves of energy for sure. That’s why having come to the conclusion that they are unreachable as true human beings in what we call real life I decided to join them in their own world so we could have something to share in times of despair. I hear you saying: in a hallucinatory way, my friend, jaja. So what? Is there a visible difference between reality and hallucination? It all comes to what you believe. And don’t worry about my well being: I can get out of any hallucinatory state easily, I am well trained on that exercise.
J. E. Soice